Balentyms Dey...

Valentines day is over, bakit ngayon lng ako nagpost?...kc i thought ok na ulit kami... :'( i guess im wrong...again...

Valentines Day...
Ang plano ko,di ko cia babatiin mail man o txt this day... kc iniignore din nmn nya ko lagi...
pero bumati cia sakin through mail...reply nmn ako...

Pero last thursday ko pa napareserve yung flowers ko for her..papadeliver ko ng monday night...

Last thursday,mejo iba yung arw...nagmemail kc cia,nagbibiro...i thought its bcoz thursday alam nya na yun yung free tym ko,cnbi ko na rn sa knya b4 na every thursday andun lng ako,pg free cia punta cia,sa arcade...

after kong magpareserve ng flowers nya im so excited,kc naisip ko bka pupunta cia, then i saw her,shes there...naexcite ako sobra..but then parang ngmamadali cia...tinanong ko cia,me kasama ka ba?... sagot nya..yup... c bf....

grabe...parang bgla nagunaw ang mundo ko...alm ko nmn me bf cia,pero thursday,alm nya na andun ako...basta di ko maexplain kung pano napalitan ng sakit yung excitement...

my first instinct is to go home right that moment..lumabas agd ako ng festi...but then parang me bumulong sakin...bumalik ako..why?...hindi ko alm,,,i want to see them...kung bf nga ba nya kasama nya...gsto ko na mamanhid..isang sakit na rin lang... :'( I saw them...sa MCDO....

How come na nasasaktan pa rin ako hanggng ngaun,akala ko natanggap ko na...

valentines day...
nagmail cia...

asan na flowers ko???
napangiti ako,alam kong nag eexpect cia ng something for me...
me date dw cla ng bf nya ds nyt,movie and kain...

dumating yung delivery ng flowers mga 8:30,binigyan ko ng instruction ang guard na pg dumating ipasok sa rum nya,ilagay sa kama...

9pm...
10pm...
wala pa rin txt..ibg sabhn wala pa cia...
11pm...
11:30pm...

my txt...

Cia: Adik ka!!!!!
Ako: buti u saw them before 12
Cia: oo nga kakarating ko lng din kc..thanks sa flowers! LAbit!

Hndi ko alm kung napansin nya yung gimik ko that tym..mukang hndi...
kinabukasan....

sa mail...
Cia: till these flowers fades...
Ako: halata ba yung isa?
Cia:ngaun lng nagsink in sa utak ko!hahaha adik mo!
Ako:totoo yung message...
Cia: Thank You! Adik mo!...

I gave her 1 dozen of pink roses..plus 1 artificial rose,pinalagay ko sa gitna para di mahalata na artificial...
i said sa note,ill always be around till the last of these flowers fades...
magfefade ba yung isa?..NO...Ill be just around...maybe waiting..i dont know...but ill just be around her..coz no matter whatt happens,she'l always be special to me.... :')

I'll Miss her...

I’ve been involve with different kind of girls before…I don’t remember the pains that I felt during those failed relationships…I might have forgotten them coz I’ve been inlove for almost 7 years w/my long time gf. But last night, I felt like my heart has been ripped apart…I felt like my chest is being emptied,like I cant breathe..I felt the worst feeling I have ever felt…

I thought she’s better that…After all the things that we’ve been through…after all the laughters that we shared…After all the problems that we shared…Everything is gone now…She just threw them away in just a blink of an eye…I cant believe it…

Sana makalimutan ko na lahat…

The first time we were introduced to each other was in our company vehicle..It was brown out back then…

Then I continue to pursue her,I tried to be friends w/her..nagawa ko yun…Araw araw ko syang kausap sa mail ng office…I remember nung di pa nya ko kilala pero crush ko na sya…Nagpapalate ako sa shuttle para lng makita o makasabay cia…Then I invite her in our first lunchout ever…She accepted it,I felt nervous at first but Im so excited and so happy that time…Sa chowking pa yun I remember..I cant explain the feeling of walking beside the girl that I admire since the first time I saw her…Then she introduced me in her world..She loves to play arcade…I learned to do the things I have never done before..I have no interest in playing arcade games before…But because of her,I fall inlove in spending my vacant times in arcades..We used to play together..She used to beat me in basketball..Shes so good in getting stufftoys, I remember the first ever stufftoy I got is a monkey,that was special coz its my first tym ever to get a stufftoy,and of course I gave it to her…Nilagay nya sa handbag nya na nakalabas ang ulo,which make us both laugh..Sabi nya,isa rw yun sa mga main attraction ng collection nya,since first ko yun…And we continue to do that..almost everyday…I remember 1 time,Im going back home,it was Friday…nangulit ako sa knya to watch movie..our first ever..shes hesitant at first,pero pumayag rin cia..inabot kmi ng mga 12am ata..hindi na ako umuwi..sa dorm na ko nagpalipas ng gabi…I felt like she can light up my world everytime im with her..lalo na at malayo sakin ang gf ko… nagstart na rin kaming umuwi tuwing Friday na magkasabay..sa van kami unang nagkasabay umuwi..I don’t know if I can hold her or what…But that’s the time I felt sumthing different..she initiated leaning her head towards my shoulder..She laughs at me coz Im small and its not so comfortable…But then I adjusted…And that was the start…Everytime im with her and were alone.Il hold her hand..Ill hug her..tight..so tight that I don’t want to let her go…She even said,nasanay na ko sa balikat mo… There comes a time na nagkaproblema cia sa bf nya..Im her crying shoulder..im always there to ease the pain…

She said, cguro ok lang cia khit ganon yung bf nya sa knya kasi andun raw ako..kasi nandun ako para pasayahin cia..Lagi ko cia dinadalhan ng pagkain…And she does that too..she made my favorite fruit salad..She said,never ko pang ginawa nyan ang bf ko…It makes me realize that im special for her,and that shes so special to me to..NAging constant partner kami sa simbang gabi..we woke up 3:30am to go to church…we eat taho together..I love it when evrytime na gigising kmi ng 3:30,pag nagsalubong kmi sa hagdan,the first thing na gagawin nya is iaabot nya sakin yung key sa kwarto nya para ipahawak muna sakin…Then she wished..and I wished that sana matupad kung ano man yung wish nya…We used to play tong-its in her rum,with the punishment na susulatan ang muka ng matatalo ng marker…ang kulit ng trip nya,nagpicture pa kmi I remember…

I even sleep w/her in her rum,that was the sleep that I never wanted to end,coz im w/the girl that I love but I just cant have… I remember 1 time,on the rocks sila ng bf nya,pero cia yung naghahabol that time kaya kita ko sa mga mata nya yung lungkot,pero im always there for her,never ko ciang iniwan…Nagtxt cia skin na magkikita dw clan g bf nya..shes so excited,feeling na baka sa wakas maayos na yung problema nila,I remember nagpagupit pa kmi ng sabay the night before that,nagpic dn kmi nun..pic. b4 and after the haircut..Nagkulot pa cia nung magkikita cla,nagcontacts,nagpaganda tlaga cia,then nagkita kmi before cia umalis,I said gudluck…she looks beautiful that day…Then pagdating ng mga 6pm I receive a txt from her… Inom tau!... Nung nabasa ko pa lng yun I know something went wrong,I asked kung nasan cia pero she replied wag na lng pla,gsto rw nya mag-isa…I was asleep nung mga oras na yun pero bcoz shes special to me,naligo agad ako…Alam ko kung san ko cia pupuntahan,sa lugar kung san kmi nag uunwind..sa arcade… I brought two ice crambles,pampalamig ng ulo nya,pero wala pa cia dun pagdating ko,umikot ako ng umikot dala dala sa 2 kamay ko ang ice scrambles..then I saw her..She asked bakit alam ko kung nasan cia?...Deep inside me,alam ko kasi nararamdaman kita… After we play,uminom kmi,tig 2 bottles lng,she never cried pero alm kong gsto nya maglabas ng sama ng loob…After nun nag starbucks kmi…Tawa cia ng tawa kasi simon ang pangalan na narinig skin ng kahera..ang pula pula pa nmn ng muka ko nun kc allergy ako sa alak…mag 12 na rin nung natapos kmi,me pic  kami dun kc dala nya yung camera,walking papuntang sakayan ng tryk,she hold into my arms…ang sarap..she said hndi dw cia ok… :’( That time I felt her pain…

Pagsakay naming sa tryk kulitan pa rin kami..taz nung malapit na kmi..she hug me tight…Then I smile,why?..because I know I did my part,to relieve her pain even just for a while… Constant kmi magkachat at nagpupuyatan..inaabot kmi ng 2:30 ng madaling araw magkausap at nagkukulitan…naglalaro rin kami ng poker lagi sa fb…Minsan pag wala yung broadband nya pinapahiram ko yung sakin para ako yung coconect sa knya..kahit pa 1am in the morning lalabas ako para iabot yun sa knya…Dati binilhan ko cia ng chocolate pagdating ko ng rum,nagtxt cia…Il try to put sumthing in the kitchen,u try to find it…Hinanap ko sa kitchen,nakita ko sa taas ng ref,cute na stufftoy ng enchanted kingdom…ang dami ko na rin tuloy stufftoys sa kwrto,lahat yun galing sa knya,kasi kinukuha ko lng pag cia nakakuha,minsan magbabalita cia skin na naglaro cia taz hihingin ko yung nakuha nya,ibibigay nmn nya sakin… Madalas kming maggrocery magkasama,sa mga time nay un halos malimutan kong me gf ako,ewan ko,pero feeling ko pansamantala nalimutan dn nya na my bf cia,kasi on d rocks nmn cla…One night nung pinaramdam ko sa gf ko na me problema ako,I was crying,I never thought na kya ko cia igive-up para sa bgong taong nagpapasaya sakin,me usapan kmi that night na magkikita kmi,pero d irw sya sure kc my lakad din cla,sabi ko ill w8… Nakipagbreak ako sag f ko that night,Im expecting her to come pero ang nareciv kong txt sa knya,gsto muna nya gawing busy ang sarili nya for a while..I don’t have any idea..Ang nasa isip ko nun,bakit wala cia nung kelangan ko cia…Nagdecide akong magpunta sa church,my gf is pleading na wag ako sumuko,na maaayos pa nmin kung ano man yung problema,shes crying and so am I. Pag-uwi ko,wala akong narereciv na txt from her,nagtampo na rin ako kasi during my lowest moment,wala cia.. Then nagtxt cia..Wala na rw ciang reason para ipagpatuloy pa ang simbang gabi na binubuo nmin,kasi hndi na rin nmn dw matutupad yung wish nya,to spend more years w/her bf,nakipagbreak kc sa knya…Sa mga text nya alam ko shes crying..Pinuntahan ko sya sa kwrto nya kahit ayaw nya,then I saw her,pugtong pugto ang mata taz iyak ng iyak..I hug her pero she resist,ayaw rw nyang Makita ko cia in that situation…Pagbalik ko ng rum,I text her na we are in the same situation..Cnbi ko na sana magsimba ka pa rin bukas,ksi magsisimba pa rn ako dahil marami akong tanong kay Lord..3am,nagtxt cia,kung ccmba daw ba ako…Napilit ko cia,nagcmba kmi..2 broken hearts…pero the difference is,mahal ko cia..mahal nya ang bf nya…:’( mas lalo lumakas ang belief ko na were meant for sumthing…I prepared my xmas gift for her,the best xmas gft I will ever give to sum1,a gift that will remind her of me for quite a while…I prepared another gift..Nagpagawa ako ng painting nya,pero dun sa arcade,alm kong matutuwa cia sa idea ko…dun ko pa pinagawa sa malapit sa moviehaus na pinapanoodan namin… 1 tym din nga pla inaya cia ng ex bf nya na magcasino taz maglalaro dw ng futsal..di ko nga alam yun,pero dahil shes sick I advise her na wag na lng,pero ayw ko cia pasamahin kasi nagseselos ako..tinanong nya kung ayw ko rw ba?,I said wag ka na sumama,then she said,Ok!I will not go with him…Tas nung nagkalakad cia the other day kinukwento nya sakin every details,yung tipong parang ako yung bf nya na ultimo pati katabi nya that moment cnasabi nya sakin kung cno…

Pero dumating yung time na natauhan ata yung bf nya,nagging baligtad na yung situation nila,yung bf na nya ang naghahabol this time,and inamin nya sakin na mahal n mahal nya yung bf nya..Naging ok ulit cla,sabi nya sakin,marami dw cia mamimiss,yung mga ginagawa nming kakulitan..cguro dw mababawasan na yung mga get together nmin,kasi ciempre kelangan nyang iprioritze yung bf nya..That makes me sad,so sad…Sabi ko nahihirapan ako,sabi nya cguro we need space..we gave each other space,pero wala pa atang 3 days,may nareciv na kong mail from her,kinwento nya kung pano cia walang ganang magwork kc hndi ako nagmemail,na naiisip nya na bka rw sinundan ko cia pero wala nmn…na humingi cia ng sign and nakita nya ko… Hndi nagwork ang space,kc hndi kmi makatiis,lalo na ako kung alam lang nya…Before mag xmas vacation,hndi ko naibigay ng personal sa knya yung painting..iniwan ko n lng sa kwrto nya,inayos ko pa yung mga stufftoys nya na parang me meeting de avance…nxt wik pa nya nakita.naapreciate nmn nya yung gft,pero hndi ko maxdo nafeel na nagstuhan tlaga nya,I wonder nga kung san nya tinago yun eh,kala ko kasi ididisplay nya pero mukang hndi nmn…Long vacation,mas mahaba kasi namasyal pa cla ng mga friends nya for 1 wik…Nung nagkita kami,I gave her the best gift I have ever given…She named her akemi,Akemi will be the remembrance na may dumaan sa buhay nya na sobra nyang napasaya…She said it’s the best gift ever na natanggap nya…kaya ang sarap ng feeling…

Binibilihan nmin c akemi ng milk nya,ng food nya,we talk so much about her..pero after 2 wiks…

Nabawasan yung mails nya…bihira na cia magtxt…

1 tym I w8td for her pero di nya tinanggap yung invitation ko na magdinner…I don’t know what happened,she just changed…Sana man lang nasabi nya sakin kung bakit..sana man lang napaliwanag nya sakin..para hndi ako nasasaktan…

Kaninang umaga,kinapalan ko na ang muka ko na makisabay sa kanya sa shuttle,like we always do before,but her aura is different..she looks mad ang don’t want to talk…Wala akong pakialam..this might be the last time na makatabi ko cia kaya nakatitig lang ako sa knya..kahit magmuka akong tanga…

I fell inlove w/her…That’s a fact..I still do…I don’t know if this pain will go away..Shes ignoring me like she don’t know me at all…Ang sakit sakit….

The next time ill update this blog is after valentines day..I will do my last move that day..Im hoping I can get her back..Ill give the space she seemed wanted to have right now…Kahit na masakit..kahit na hndi ako patulugin ng ayos…Titiisin ko na lang ang sakit..Kasi mahal ko sya,,,mahal n mahal ko cia….

Last Hurrah!

As usual,hindi ako makatiis..kaya nagmail na ko sa kanya…sobra na kasi ko nahihirapan… :’(

Me:

I wish you know how i feel... :'(

No texts...

No mails...

No YM's...

The last thing i know i did sumthing wrong was when we split ways

last wed.,and im sorry about that,i really do... but ur already different back then...

I wish i know why... I wish I have any idea...

Sa poker natin kagabi,u left w/o a word...

I dont even know if ur irritated that i joined ur table...

I txt  u gudnyt but no reply...

I know i dont have any right to demand anything from you...

But its just that deep inside me, i know thats not you, I know

you'l treat me better than that...coz i thought....i thought  i meant sumthing

to you...and now i think im so wrong... :'(

With the moments that we shared,its hard for me to believe

that youll just forget about me like that...that youll just ignore

me like what ur doing right now...

I miss talking to you...

I miss eating beside you...

I miss laughing with you...

I miss doing silly things with you...

I miss going to office with you...

I miss going home with you...

I miss receiving texts from you...

I miss chatting with you...

Namimiss ko ang pangbabara mo sakin...

I miss everything about you...

I miss having you near me...

Im missing you...

Im missing you so much...

What hurts me is that i still dream about you..even if u continue

to ignore me,its still you even if i close my eyes..its ur texts or mails

i get excited to receive..but theres nothing...theres just no

U right now...And im hurting inside...and im not that good in hiding it...

I hope i can do sumthing..i really hope i can...

You once told me...

"Ang bilis mo kasing sumuko!"

Im thinking maybe your just trying to test me,thats why i continue

to pursue...i hope thats the case..i really do...

But what if not?...Im afraid to lose the girl hu teach me how to

appreciate every little thing...the only girl hu can really make me

smile right now...

Im sorry to disturb you...

But...

Hey ***! IMY... :'(

After 3 yrs. nagreply cia…

She:

sori pero bc lng tlga aq. madami lng aq iniisip n mga bagay bgay.

kkblik q lng s pwesto q,nagtuturo kc aq ng mga kaungasan sa cadets namin! haha!

kaen!

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Although im expecting a more serious reply,wala talaga ko magagawa…yun yung personality nya eh,she just cant talk to me seriously… Ano kaya yung iniisip nya?..

Ganon na ba katindi yun na hndi man lng cia nakapag bye skin kgbi nung ngpopoker kmi?...na hindi man lng cia nagreply nung nag gud morning ako kanina?...na hndi man lng cia nakapagreply nung nag gudnyt ako kagabi at nung isang gabi pa?... Kung ano man yung iniisip nya,sana tungkol na lang sa bf nya…sana wala nang iba..kasi sa ngayon,tanggap ko na na im nothing…im just nothing pag bf na nya ang pinag-uusapan…

Masakit kasi I Love her…and I don’t think she has any idea how much love I can offer… :’(

Move On

Since im on leave yesterday, I will be lying if I didn’t expect any mail from her…

But im so disappointed,no mail at all… I don’t have a clue kung bakit bgla na lang cia lumamig sakin…I don’t have a clue kung bakit bgla na lng cia nagbago… I miss her like shes my gf…pero I don’t have any right para magalit sa knya kc di nmn nya ko ka ano-ano…Nobody knows kung gano kami nagging kaclose kundi kami lang dalawa… Do I have to move on w/my life w/o her?... Nagpapahabol lang ba cia or talaga lang she want me out of her life na?... For all the things na pinagsamahan namin,for all the moments that we shared..laughters… Ang hirap para sakin na kalimutan na lang yun…pero bakit parang ang bilis sa knya..parang ang dali para sa knya?... Its love month pa nmn…malapit na rin ang birthday ko,pero it looks like I will be celebrating my bday w/o her…Ganon lang ba kaikli yung moment nya sa buhay ko?...

I miss eating w/her…

I miss laughing w/her…

I miss going to office w/her…

I miss her texts…

I miss the way she tell me she misses me…

I miss everything about her…

The truth is…Every thing that im looking for in a girl, I found at her… She’s my ideal girl…But it seemed that we just cant get what we want… I felt im so close to her and shes close to me too..But in just a blink of an eye..everything is gone…

I’ll start this day thinking that I have to move on coz she’s just gone…The sad truth is, I don’t have a clue why..I wish I knew…I wish she have atleast told me why… I wish she knew the pain I feel inside…

I wish she knew how much I love her… :’(

Im Sick

Leave ako this day,hndi ko kasi kinaya ang sakit ng ulo,plus ubo taz me lagnat pa...
naisip ko,sa lamig sa office mas lalo pang lalala ang lagnat ko...

wala ako gnwa maghapon kundi matulog,magpoker,at katxt ko c gf...

pero di cia mawala sa isip ko...alam kya nya na may sakit ako?..alam kya nya na nakaleave ako?...

naalala ko kasi dati nung nagleave ako,pagdating ng gabi me txt cia sakin asking kung sick rw ba ko?..sabi ko nmn nagpabunot kasi ko ng ngipin...
naalala ko rin nung cia nmn yung me sakit..binilihan ko cia ng gamot,taz binigyan ko cia ng oranges na my mga post it pa,saying get well soon..dun pa nmin kinain sa kwrto nya,mas marami pa ata ako nakain eh...taz nag tongits kmi...

pero umabot na ng gabi...
naabutan ko cia na ngpopoker sa fb...
ininvite ko cia to join sa table ko pero deadma nmn..shootout lng nilalaro nya...
pero sumilip cia sa table ko cguro 10 secs taz umalis na ulit...
no kya ibg sabhn nun???...

kya no choice ako,ako na lng ngjoin sa knya..kahit na magmumuka n nmn akong naghahabol...ok lng...ganon ko cia kamiss... pag upo ko pa lng,cguro napansin na agd nya na wala na ko chips,ayun nagsend ng tissue...nang aasar ba?... tas humingi ako ng chips,nagbigay nmn..pero hndi nya nmn ako kinakausap...
taz bigla na lng umalis..wala man lng bye or sumthing...

di ko alm kung bakit ganito cia sakin ngaun...me msg. kya sya sa LN ko?...
wala man lng akong nareciv mula sa knya na pagaling ka..or kmzta ka na b?..kmzta na pakiramdam mo?...
mahirap magkasakit,pero mas mahirap kung wala pakialam sau yung taong alm mong makakatulong sau para mapabilis ang paggaling mo...